Monday, April 30, 2007
hav been tinkin these few days..duno y..lolx..but like..i feel my dreams and ambitions are like achievable when im like older..so irritatin la..although the adults say "wa..i wish i was studyin.." or like "enjoy ur student life..when u older u will wish u we studyin instead of workin"..irony is..i wana be older..now this pt of my life is like preparation to move to my hopes and dreams..which stoopid NS hav to interrupt!! >.< i wan tt freedom..i wan tt independant life i always dream of..havin tt living space i can call my own be it at the most a 3room flat (call me a loner but wateva)..without being supported by my parents but supportin them..being accepted for who im..argh!! the grass is always greener on the other side..guess tt is so true..we always long for something others hav but we dun..
when i told my mom tt i wana apply for OSIP..and at the max i will be away is like 5mths..she was like stunned..and somehow..it seems tt she juz cant let me go..i did put myself in my mom's shoes tt she is kinda of a lonely person..but..its so difficult for me to balance between wad i wan and makin her happy..i cant imagine wad will happen to her if i am moving out and living on my own..but tts wad i wan..
i hav always read horoscope stuffs and wadsoeva personality stuffs and its so true tt im tt kind who juz cant stay at home..unless i hav reason to stay home tt is (eg. be home with other half, birthday, gathering etc.)..i juz find being home juz to be with FAMILY is so..boring..my mom's idea of me bring home is..to be present in the living space -____- to me being home is when i do something with my family like watchin movie together, chit chat blah blah..the idea of stayin home rottin in front of the com or tv alone while everyone else is doin something else is torturing..tts y i always go out to meet frenz..until the pt tt im told i treat my frenz more impt than family..
im juz typing wads appearin in my mind so i dun even noe whether anything sounds like rational..well..duno la..im juz so irritated with everything right now..parents nag = good for u..fine i take tt..but things tt hav been said recently sounded contradictin to me..one min words of praise..another min words doubting ability..i so hate ppl doubtin my ability (sounds proud right..mayb..) but when im confident of doin something..at least lemme try..fail..so be it..at least i noe i tried..if i wasted ur time..den i apologise..simple right? i only realise this stoopid shit after i got my drivin license..im so tired and hurt..
sometimes i realli feel happier with my frenz than with family..
sometimes i realli feel tt my frenz noe be better than my family..
frank, saddening but so true..
i did thought of it..if i did pursue my hope and dreams..i will be happy..but it MAY be at the expense of my mom's emotions..if i did not..my mom will not be hurt..but its so unfair for me cuz i dun get to pursue wat i always wanted..i feel like a fake sometimes..im happy and carefree whereeva i go but to tink of it..deep inside i realli wan so much..
mayb i hav always and seems to be will always tink too much, although i always try to tink on the bright side of life..mayb i juz hav a very childish thinkin at this present period, tt i nv even matured from the beginnin..mayb i had nv empathized in the 1st place, lying to myself tt i did put myself into other ppl's shoes..mayb this is all a dream, nv to b true and fulfilled..mayb..juz mayb...........
~torn between self and home..~
